The Bachelor (a live blog of a straight man watching a show for girls) – The Final Finale, Finally -- It All Ends – Ep 11

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We’re just going to get right into this three hour shit show and I will follow up with some closing thoughts.  It’ll be a lot like when Jerry Springer would host a trainwreck for an hour, then once they mopped all of the tranny blood and weaves from the stage, he sat down to give America a heart-to-heart.  This is going to be that.

• Chris Harrison, cow plop and host of The Bachelor, opens up in studio.  Basically, we’re going to watch this show for a really long time, then we’re going back to the studio to gab with Sean, his new love, and probably the loser.  Plus, CH has some surprise or something for us at the end.  Ooooh, I hope it’s ice cream cake!

• We open up on Sean still in Thailand.  He’s wearing a shirt and so I barely recognize him.  By this point in the season, I feel closer to Sean’s two bodacious ta-tas than I do the rest of Sean.  I only hope that those things find true love and I hope that true love is an extra large sports bra.

• He’s hoping his family helps him make his final decision.  We’re not picking a restaurant for dinner, here.  We’re picking mates, you buffoon.

• Sean’s family shows up.  His parents come running out of the van and hug him.  They’re really, really tiny.  Oh, that’s his niece and nephew.  Carry on!

• Sean gives his mom a great big hug and crushes her with his biceps.  She’s dead.

• Sean’s sitting with his Aryan family and somewhere Hitler is looking down at these blonde-blue-eyeds with a big ol’ boner.

• One of the little tykes pipes up and says “Emily didn’t pick you!” Everyone shares a laugh at Sean’s past rejection on the Bachelorette.  Sean’s laughing a little too hard, like he doesn’t think it’s funny and he wants to pulverize that child.  “Who taught him that? Who fucking taught him that?!”

• Sean’s sister looks like she came from an 80’s slumber party.  Pillow fight!

• Catherine, who refuses to admit that she is actually a Hawaiian named Leilani, shows up first.  I bet she is not as white as they had hoped.  They probably think she’s just one of “the natives,” that maybe she was captaining the real Catherine’s rickshaw or something.
  

  I’m sassy!

• Catherine played football when she was in 6^th grade.  Bye!  That’s all I would need to know to make my decision.  It’s not just that I think some of the differences between men and women should be respected as opposed to this insatiable desire by society to gender blend, but mostly I think it just takes a real obnoxious person to do something so pointlessly against the grain.  You want to be the first female president?  Awesome!  Work hard and go for it!  You want to play football?  Against a bunch of 300 pound dudes?  You’re dumb.  You’re just a dumb, dumb person with no brains in your head and you are just pissing everyone off.

• Nice of Sean’s Dad to take time off from breaking world records that you didn’t know existed and

• Sean’s Mom takes Leilani (Catherine) aside.  She says she started falling in love with Sean in Karabi, their last stop.  So… three days ago?  That’s comforting.

• Sean’s Dad spends some one-on-one time with Catherine.  I wish they would make these like the actual dates and make them sit in a hot tub together.

• Sean’s Dad looks a lot like ESPN’s John Clayton.
  

  pretty close? he looks more like him on the show. just trust me, you guys.

• Sean’s Dad (Poindexter McGlasses) tells Catherine, “If it’s you that Sean ends up marryin’, you will never have a bigger fan than me.  And that’s the truth, okay?  I’ll love you like my daughter. And there’s gon’ be no holdin’ nat back.”   I don’t think she could understand him.  I think she’s just crying because she thinks he’s going to stalk her and steal all her panties.
  

  don’t be silly, of course i’ll do your laundry. i do all of the girls’ laundry. just gimme your goddamn laundry, i need your panties!

• Sean’s Dad is a little creepy.  He likes her too much.  I also wish he would’ve clarified that if Sean picks the other girl, he will be the other girl’s biggest fan.

• She says she can see Sean’s Dad being like a father to her, especially since her father hasn’t really been that for her in recent years.  You know, the guy tries to murder himself in front of you ONE time and you get all sensitive about it! Selfish.

• Catherine leaves.  Sean tells the camera that he could see himself marrying both women.  Really?!  I know he probably has to say that for the show, but if you’re the chick that he picked, aren’t you sitting at home or in the studio on Chris Harrison’s lap thinking “I won an effing coin flip?  Awesome.  Let’s have babies.”

• Now it’s time for Lindsay / Wedding Dress Girl / Drunk Baby.
  

  my shirt is made of construction paper!

• He’s still talking about wanting his family to help him make the right decision.  He’s a retarded person.

• Sean’s Mom asks, “So what’ve you guys done?”  I wish they would’ve answered “Just hand stuff.  Under the shirt, but over the pants.”

• Sean’s Creepy Dad / Poindexter McGlasses asks his favorite question “How do you know you’re in love?”  Mood ring.  Carnival game.  Is there a good answer?

• Alright, we now see where Sean gets everything other than his hairline.  Poindexter McGlasses starts in on this whole “ever since Sean was born we been prayin’ for his whyyyyyfe.  And so we prayed every day for her. …. Sometimes when you look at someone’s eyes, like yours, is this the woman I been prayin’ for.”  And he’s crying.  This guy just likes to make people cry.  This is like Sean saying “I’m crazy about this girl” about every single girl.  Again, if I “won” (I’m not that lucky of a girl!) and I’m at home watching this, I’m thinking “hey, Sean! You’re dad’s full of shit!  And has anybody ever told you he looks exactly like ESPN’s John Clayton?”
  

  you got any panties that need washing. i had a long day and i just need a couple panties if you got ‘em.

• He packs Lindsay away in a van and reiterates how great she is, but says that he is also falling love with Catherine.  “Tonight… in the most dramatic Eenie Meanie Minie Mo, ever…”

• Now for him to ask his family to make his decision for him.  He asks what they think and they provide him with no useful information.  Let’s go over their sage advice:

• His brother-in-law keeps telling him that he only has 48 hours.  Awesome. You are good at clocks.
• Dad keeps telling him that both of them would fit right in.  And by that he means he would gladly sift through the laundry of either woman and would pay them equal shares to brush their hair for just ten minutes, that’s all he’s asking.
• Mom pulls Sean aside because she wears the slacks in the family.  She doesn’t think he should rush into a decision.  Has anybody mentioned there’s only 48 hours left?  She mentions it again just to make sure.  Basically, mama-bear doesn’t want to lose Sean to another woman.

• Sean’s getting all testy with his Mom, but in a nice, southern-gentlemenly type of way. “You seen twenty minutes. I appreciate your input.  I just want your support.”  Mom smiles real hard and then starts crying, which is what serial killers do all the time.   She’s worried because this is a big decision and can tell that Sean doesn’t have a clue as to what he’s doing with his life.  “You’re an insurance agent, but your muscles are so big.  Sean, why did you get your muscles so big?!  I just want to understand you!”
  

  MOM: “son, are you stupid?”
  SEAN: “maybe i am… and maybe I AM!”

• Sean takes Mom for a walk because she’s embarrassing him and he doesn’t want to backhand her in front of the cameras.

• Back in the studio, CH reminds us that this show is 3 hours and now I’m mad at him again.  To be truthful, I never truly stopped.

• Back in Thailand, Sean is stressed out by the fact that his family didn’t boss him around hard enough and maybe if he doesn’t know what to do he won’t propose to anyone.  Yeah MAYBE. MAYBE that’s a reasonable solution, you boob!

• Lindsey shows up looking super hot and talking like a drunk baby (standard issue).

• They go on a boat ride.  He threatens to wrestle her.  They make dumb jokes and Lindsey talks about being best friends.  This show has not only made me not want to be best friends with my future wife, it has made me not want any best friends at all.

• Sean doesn’t know how tall she is.  That’s weird.  That seems like one of those random facts that you should just know about somebody before you marry them.  They should make these people pass a test to get their marriage license.

• They talk about growing old together.  Sean: “I think you’re going to be a hot old lady.”  Somehow, this is the sweetest thing she’s ever heard and she tells him she loves him.

• They’re kissing and reminiscing.  She’s saying things that will make everybody sad if she gets cut.  I don’t think he’s going to pick her.  I think he’s uncomfortable every time she says something lovey.

• She takes him outside to send some Thai lanterns up into the sky.  You write a wish on them, light them, send them into the sky, and then they burn out, land in the ocean, and get lodged in a dolphin’s esophagus.  And that’s how dreams come true!

• Now for his last date with Catherine.  An elephant tramples some plant life ot pick them up.  It’s no helicopter, but I guess it’ll do.

• The elephant’s name is Bo.  A subtle way to get your revenge against me, The Bachelor.  Well played.

• They’re sitting in a hut made of sticks… or as it’s known in Thailand, the Grand Palace!

• Catherine has a nose stud because it’s 1997 and she just got back from Lillith Fair.  I don’t know if that reference works in any way, shape, or form, but I’m going with it.

• She says she didn’t want to get her hopes up before, but now she’s planning all of the engagement parties and bridal showers in her head.  What could go wrong?!

• Night time date togethies… she wants to make sure she tells him how she feels.  She prattles on for a REALLY long time.  She talks about how she loves his family and she peters out and … that’s about it.  He says he pictures them together in the future ALL THE TIME.  Okay, if he doesn’t pick her let’s remember this and what a dick he is.

• She says that she can only see it going down one way: him proposing and her accepting.  He knows she’s super vulnerable and scared of being so.  She says that she has looked for this love for a really long time.  Alright, I’m fucking pissed.  How old are you?  23?  Oh please, please tell me your harrowing tale of how you’ve struggled for what… FIVE adult years to find your one and only true love?  You’re the worst, lady.  You’d think that with her dad’s history and her friend being crushed by a tree or whatever it was would provide some perspective.  (I know… I sound like a bitter, lonely man… but I can tell you that I am definitely not a… well, maybe I am… I will be revisiting this subject with my therapist).

• She finally tells him that she loves him, but not in like a romantic, exciting, happy way.  More like a sad, frightened, pathetic way.  It’s so touching!  She says, “Sean… I love you.”  He kisses her and says those four little words she’s been dying to hear: “Thank you for today.”  Huh?

• She tells the camera that she was hoping that after telling him, she would catch some little glimmer in his eye that would say he wanted to be with her forever, but… no dice!  Now she’s crying, scared, and peeking out the front door at him walking away like a real creep-o.  She mentioned earlier that her many loves failed because she said “I love you” first.

• Now she is way up in her head and going into what doctors call “crazy-girl-mode.”  She is crying real bad and is scared that she’s going to lose out on love again.  Seriously, 23 year old.  You need to stop it.  I’m very upset with you right now.  I will break this television.  I will break it.

• She’s upset that she’s giving everything and he won’t give back anything.  She has never watched the show The Bachelor.

• Back in the studio following Catherine’s crying episode and everyone’s applauding because that’s what audiences do.  For no good reason, they just clap.  CH starts asking worthless audience members what they think.  He goes to the second audience member and I don’t know what she’s saying because I’m fixated on the two women behind her.  There is an obese woman whose buttons are about to burst.  If those things blow, it’s going to be like throwing bullets in a fire.  They’re coming at you with some force.  Next to her is a chick that looks like Lisa Loeb (too bad I already used up my Lillith Fair joke for the day).  Anyway, they look like they need their own sitcom or detective drama.

• Finally, Sean’s shirt is off!  Oh Lord, yes, just let those beef patties breathe!  What?  Sorry.  I’m not… okay, fine, I’m gay.  Are you happy now?!  (Wouldn’t that be a funny way for someone to come out?  During the middle of their blog about The Bachelor?) (Seriously, I’m not gay.) (OR AM I?!?!?!) (I’m not.)

• Sean puts a shirt on (boring) and some crazy guy comes in with a bunch of really nice looking blood diamonds.  One of the rings still has a tiny little African hand still holding onto it.  Awwwwwwwwww!

• Sean picks a ring and goes back inside and takes his shirt off again.  What the hell is going on?  I can only assume that this means he had sex with that diamond smuggler.  What!  It was a nice ring!

• Sean starts crying to the camera as he talks about how he’s going to spend the rest of his life with someone.  Man tears!  Yayyyyyyyy!  I’ve been waiting all season for this!  Finally.  And Sean’s Dad doesn’t count because that guy loves crying and is sexually ambiguous like all pastors.

• The first girl we see on proposal day is Lindsay.  This is the part in the season when I realize that despite all of the terrible things I have said and the callousness with which I wield my jokes, I feel absolutely awful for the girl that doesn’t get picked.  They talk about how in love they are and if they don’t get picked, it’s just a real kick in ovaries.  One of these girls is not going to get picked; but somewhere there is a therapist waiting to be spoiled with her riches!  And that, my friends, is what Reagan was talking about with trickle down economics.  Timely references!

• Lindsey is crying and saying how her whole life is going to change.

• Catherine is crying and saying this is scary and overwhelming.

• I know this is a thing that girls say, but: I want to die.  I don’t really want to die.  I want to kill someone, but I also don’t want this to be held against me in a court of law in case someone tries to frame me.  I watch Dateline, you know. I’m not stupid.

• Back in the studio and CH, the most pointless man in show business, is yapping and interviews some of the retards from earlier in the season.  They say some really insightful stuff.  I’m kidding, they are brain dead.

• Sean is waiting in some rice paddy and we can only hope for two things: (1) that Sean follows his heart and (2) that the Vietcong stage a sneak attack and kidnap Catherine because she is the daughter of the president of the Vietnam!  I knew it this whole time!  They were in the trees, man!  What’s that?  We’re in Thailand?  Oh.  And that’s different than Vietnam?  You’re sure about that?  Alright-alright-alright.  My bad.

• Sean’s crying again.  Nice.

• He’s pretty sad for the girl whose heart he is about to go to the bathroom on.

• Here comes the SUV!  Who will it be?!

• And the loser is…

• Lindsay.  Youchie wa-wa.  We also learn that she has a very dumb foot tattoo.

• Well, I feel terrible for her, especially with her voiceover as she takes the long walk to meet Sean.  She’s in love, she’s about to get engaged, she can’t imagine losing Sean, her heart would be totally shattered.  Brutal.

• Here it goes: he opens up with “you look beautiful.”  Bad start.  That’s what all dumpers say on this show.  He says some really nice stuff… a little too nice since he’s about to cut her loose.  Then he gets all emotional and uses the copout: “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do?”  First of all, it is a copout because now she knows what you’re going to say and you don’t even need to say it at that point.  Second of all, it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do?  What about when you bench-pressed 250 pounds?  I bet that was pretty difficult.

• Her heart just exploded.  She can’t even close her mouth.

• Ugh, I feel terrible for her.  She stops holding his hands.  She’s nodding at all of his stupid statements, like “yeah, yeah, buh-bye!” Ew, he just told her that he loves her!  That’s such a dick move.  Even if he does, he shouldn’t say it.  It’s selfish.

• He says “I think it’s important that you know how hard this is for me.”  Get over yourself, turd bucket!  You just pooed on this woman’s insides and now you’re talking about your love and how hard this is for you?  You’re a dick.

• She says, “Well… I’m gonna go.” Hahahahaha!  I love this show.

• She is destroyed.  She told him to just stop talking.  Good for you, Lindsay. Because this is her nightmare and she didn’t see it coming.  Okay, reel it in a little bit, Linds.  And she can’t imagine her life without him.  That’s enough, let’s pack it up.

• She is so over it, she’s like “fuck it” and takes off her high heels so she can get the hell out of there.

• Sean whimpers like the total puss that he is and says “Uh… Lindsay… I’m so blessed to know you.”  Not blessed enough!  Just cram it and let her go, buttface!

• CH escorts her to the car and looks at her butt as she climbs in.  Classy.

• Lindsay’s sad car ride: she’s crying all over the place and whining.  She says that she’s been through this a hundred times.  Really?  THIS?  You’ve been through THIS?!

• She does that bitchy, whiny thing where she’s real sarcastic and mad and sad: “I fell for it.  Thinking that he’s gonna propose and then just break up with me.  Yeah, let’s dangle everything I;ve ever wanted in front of my face and then take it away.  Yes, please. Please do that because that’s exactly what I’ve always wanted.”  Ohhh, you’re being sarcastic!  Also, you just described exactly what this show is about.

• CH walks up to Sean and jovially says “Hey, buddy!  How’s it going?  What’re doing?  Crying like a pussy?”  I added that last part, you guys.  Still though, CH proves once again that he has absolutely no feeling for the pulse of human emotion.

• CH hands Sean a letter from Catherine.  This is the letter we’ve been hearing about for weeks.  She has really good penmanship.  They cut to the studio audience and these women are pissed at the tease.

• The only shocking thing about this letter is that Sean knows how to read it.

• It’s just a boring ol’ love letter.  This show is so dumb and we are so dumb for watching it.  I knew this letter would be nothing.  They tease it to make it seem like it’s going to be some bombshell like we’re going to forget that they made it seem dramatic?  They are treating us like dogs!  They have a tennis ball that they keep fake throwing, just hiding it behind their backs and we keep sprinting across the backyard looking for the damn thing.  One day you’re going to drop that tennis ball Chris Harrison.  And I will be there to chase it down and bring it back to you; but here’s the catch… when I do bring it back… I’m going to drop it about four feet away from you… and it is going to be covered in my slobber.

• Boring speech boring speech … pretty sweet though.  Will he propose?

• He totally proposes.  She has a look on her face like “I was just kidding!”

• Whoa, geeze.  They love each other pretty hard.  But wait… she’s not even dressed like a pirate.

• Great.  I’m happy for them.  I think this is called Stockholm Syndrome.

• UGH! SHE CAPS IT BY SAYING THAT HE’S HER BEST FRIEND!

• They ride off an elephant.  Because that’s what you do.

• Don’t worry, guys… there’s still AN HOUR LEFT!  ONE HOUR! THE SHOW IS OVER, BUT THERE’S AN HOUR MORE?!

• Let’s finish this bitch…

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE:

• CH keeps saying he has some “late breaking news.”  This is a joke.

• Plus, we’re going to find out who the next Bachelorette is going to be and that’s exciting because life is sad.

• This is boring beyond belief and we’re only going to cover the highlights.

• Lindsay come out to face the man who took her heart between his pectoral muscles and slightly flexed to crush it into bits.

• There are no fireworks… but there are sparks!  Hey-o!  He says he lights up when he talks about her.  Well, that’s weird.  That’s not supposed to happen and I would feel a little odd if I was either Catherine or Leilani.

• Sean’s excuse for everything is “God.”  “Oh, I prayed on it.”  “Oh, God made the decision.”  I’m not questioning faith, I think faith is a wonderful, powerful thing; but I think some people (mostly Sean) uses it so that people can’t get mad at him.  “Don’t get mad at me, it was God!  That guy does whatever he wants!  I tried to tell him, I was like, ‘God, don’t Lindsay’s totally cool.’ And God’s all, ‘I don’t even care right now! I do what I want! I’m the boss of you!’  Like, I like God, I really do, but sometimes… ugh… you know?”

• Have we mentioned that Lindsay originally came out in a wedding dress on the first night and was drunk?  Oh, yes, we’ve covered that 147 times.  Great.

• Catherine comes out with her giant rock.

• She says she’s traditional in relationships, but not as a person.  I read you loud and clear, lady.  You’re mentally retarded.

• CH says of the couple, “America has fallen in love with you.”  WRONG!  They’ve been an exclusive couple for 9 minutes!

• CH is such a dumb dick.  “Hey, Catherine.  What was with that letter?  Everyone in America wanted to know what was going on with that letter.  They were so freaked out about what was in that letter!”  BECAUSE YOU MADE IT ALL UP AND PUT DRAMATIC MUSIC AROUND IT, YOU BAG OF DILDOS!

• This is outrageous.  Can we all acknowledge how stupid this is?  We are now watching the proposal (you know, the one we watched 14 minutes ago?), but now we are watching Sean and Catherine watching Sean and Catherine get engaged?!  WHAT?!  Is there a glitch in the goddamn Matrix?!  What are we doing with our lives!  This is like reading a blog about a show that you’ve already watched – oh… nevermind… keep reading and remember to share with your friends!

• Since I think people might not read the very end of these blogs, wanted to get this out there: thank you for reading this ridiculousness.  I’m excited to write about different things outside of this outrageous show.  I hope you’ll keep checking in so I can hopefully make you laugh.  The easiest way to keep up with this blog is to subscribe, so just subscribe already!  And if you like what you read, share with your friends!  Okay, back to this snorefest…

• CH talks about how Sean never cried until the end of the season, but now he’s a “ball bag.”  What the hell does that mean?  A ball bag?  I mean, you’re insinuating that he cries a lot, but an equipment bag of sports balls does not cry, nor does a sac of testicles.  Do you mean bawl bag?  Is that a thing?  You are the worst, Chris Harrison.  You’re just not good at talking or thoughts.

• Sean announces that since they met on a TV show, they’re going to get married on a TV show.  Basically, they are cashing in and getting a free wedding.

• Alright, so the next Bachelorette will be… HOMELESS DESIREE!  I knew it!  So many homeless jokes coming to you this summer.  I will be there with sad little bells on.

• Desiree cries because she is overcome with emotion due to the opportunity.  Get ready for a waterfall of tears all summer long.  I already can’t stand this.  I can’t believe there are 25 men willing to sign up for this show.

• And it’s over.  It’s over.  Oh thank God it’s over.  If you need me between now and this summer, I will be crying in the shower.

Final Thoughts:

It’s been a hell of a season.  This show, as we know, is a joke.  It tosses around clichés, superlatives, and hyperbole.  It takes ideals and values, and it exploits them and siphons their true meaning.  Throughout this particular season there was one trope they trotted out perhaps more than ever before: seeking the best friend.  Let’s go over and out on this note.

Guys, if your wife is your best friend, you’re a pussy.  Girls, if your husband is your best friend, it’s only because other women don’t like you.  This is not to say that you should not have an unbelievable closeness to your partner.  After all, they are your partner.  There will be things that you only tell them, that you could never tell your best guy friend or best girl friend.  You might even feel like your partner is your best friend, and that is a beautiful thing… but don’t say it out loud… not to other people.  Guys, if you say it to other dudes, they’re not going to let you pee standing up anymore.  Girls, if you say it to other girls, you’re only going to piss them off… and you know that… and that’s why you say it.  If you’re a guy and you don’t have any other friends, go with a German Shepherd.  Don’t pick your wife.  There’s no coming back from that.  If you pick your wife, you’re stuck with her as your best friend.  You can’t switch until she dies.   You can’t tell your wife in year three that she’s your best friend and then in year twelve when you’re at some shitty dinner at El Torrito with her cousin and her cousin’s third husband and your wife says “Daniel are best friends, aren’t we, Daniel?”  You can’t say, “Actually, you know, Chip from work?  Well, he’s kinda my best friend now.  We got those necklaces and everything.  His says, ‘BE FRI’ and mine says, ‘ST ENDS.’ So… he’s kinda my best friend.”  The next thing out of her mouth is something about how she hopes that Chip is good at oral because she only does that for her best friends.  Man, your wife has real issues, man.

The moral of the story is: Be best friends with your wife or husband, just don’t tell anybody… maybe not even them… or else they will make Chip blow you.

Anyway, I love you, byeeeeeee!

Make me the happiest man in the world and twitter me for the rest of our lives!  Follow @BeauBowker